Now, let me get the sappy disclaimer out of the way upfront. This Thanksgiving, I do indeed give thanks for all my friends out there, men and women alike (I'm pretty sure there aren't any in-betweens, but if there are, you too!). As I continue to work my way through an extremely stressful and uncertain time in my life and most of you are a long way from my current abode in Luxembourg, you're on my mind and it's good to know you're all out there. I look forward to happier times with you once things are back on track for me (and for my fellow HEC-ers who are also job-hunting, for you too). As for romantic partners, I've made no secret that I had a big disappointment in that department recently, but I've also come to realize that now would have been a terrible time for me to start a relationship anyhow. I have always been a strong believer in being friends-first with someone I'm interested in, and hey, I've got lots of friends!
But now, back to those match.com lists. They're just the sort of thing that used to make me really angry, but not so much anymore. I still despise gender stereotypes as much as I ever did, of course, but I now find that they're so dumb they're not worth getting upset about.
Besides, it's much more fun to take a close look at these things and pick apart just how ridiculous they really are. Here, then, is my perspective on it all...
1. Like it or not, we groom you for a real relationship
Whether it’s the mom who taught you to respect us, the sister who told you our secrets, or even the last girl who dumped you because you weren't ready to settle down, the women in your life help to shape you into the best man you can possibly be. So that when you meet The One, you’ll be ready, willing and able.
What about the girl who dumped you because you were ready to settle down? Eight years later, I'm guessing she's still out sowing her wild oats and not grooming anybody for anything. But that's okay with me. Telling me I need to be "groomed" isn't.
2. We’re sympathetic
Too many examples to even bother with here of men I know who have been sympathetic and women who haven't. I do want to say, though, that I know women who get just as frustrated as men would if you offer only sympathy.
3. We’re extraordinary ego-boosters
If it seems as though women are forever fishing for compliments...
It doesn't. At least my women friends don't. They do like it when I pay them compliments, but I tend to think they'd stop believing me if I did it all the time. Just guessing.
4. We’re soft
Soft hair, soft lips, soft skin… and so forth. All in all, it’s a pretty huggable package.
I don't think any of my exes would have appreciated being called "soft," somehow.
5. We keep your social life hopping
Before there were Palm Pilots, there were women. We organize, we schedule, we remember. Admit it—you get out a whole lot more and have a more interesting life when you’re dating someone who wants to do something besides sit home and watch TV all the time.
Seems to me I know quite a few women who do like to sit home and watch TV a lot of the time. I know because I've dated some of them.
6. We listen
The stereotype of woman as chatterbox is unfair. OK, scratch that—we do love to talk. But not in a vacuum. That’s why we’re always urging you to talk; we believe in communication and that means we want to listen, too. Go ahead, open up—tell us what you were like as a little kid and how you plan to save the world.
Anecdotes abound about past experiences where trying to communicate with women did me no good at all...but I will agree that it's a good thing when it does happen.
7. We have a civilizing influence
A common retort against a certain kind of man...who, not coincidentally, is the same kind of man who is likely to be receptive to nonsense like this! Okay, maybe sometimes these lists have some validity after all.
8. We inspire you to shoot for gold
Show me a woman who thinks only women do that, and I'll show you a woman who has lousy taste in men!
9. We make worthy opponents
Yeah, yeah, we’re soft and sweet most of the time. But engage us in battle, and we will tear your #%$^ing head off. So be thankful — be very, very thankful — that we like you right now.
I prefer to be thankful for people who don't feel entitled to tear my #%$^ing anything off if I disagree with them. Come to think of it, one of my most memorable breakups was due to exactly that issue.
10. If you want kids someday, we’re usually willing to have them
And the labor pains. And the stretch marks. And in between, the periods. You’re welcome.
So it's all about whether or not I want them someday? Is there any interpretation of that one that isn't offensive? Hmmm...nope.
No, of course I won't let the men's list off the hook either...
1. We do gross things you don’t want to do
Well, okay, I don't mind squashing bugs. But I don't exactly like the idea that the job ought to be left up to me because I'm a man either. And yes, I have run into that on occasion. I've had a couple of jobs along the way in which I'm the only man among a dozen or so women. It has its ups (like losing my ability to blush over much of anything feminine) and its downs (like being expected to get rid of bugs).
2. Our constant desire to have sex with you has got to be good for your ego
Okay, most of the stuff on these lists is too dumb to be offensive, but this one is rather offensive. 'Nuff said.
3. We’ll never tell you that you look fat in those jeans
No matter how many times you ask or what size they are, the answer will always be unilaterally, unequivocally NO.
Have any of you guys out there ever had a girlfriend or wife actually ask you if this outfit makes her look fat? I've only ever heard it as a joke. (Admittedly, I've had three serious girlfriends in my life and all three of them really were overweight and very much aware of it...but still, I think it's one of those things nobody ever really says.)
4. We’re easy to please
Fancy dinners? Pricey presents? Save your dough. To bring a big smile to your fella’s face, follow this simple equation: One beer + one couch = happy man.
Okay, I'll concede this one, I guess.
5. We keep you up to date on all the latest gadgets
You don’t want a TV set bigger than your dining-room table? Fine, but we’ll let you know when your computer is hopelessly outdated and which new cell phone doubles as an MP3, takes pictures, and reminds you to call your mom on her birthday all at the same time. It’s like having your own personal electronics consultant—for free!
If that were true, all my exes would be vinyl junkies with the cheapest cell-phone and computer they could find.
6. You can squeeze our arms as hard as you like during the scary parts of movies
And aside from making great stress squeeze balls at the multiplex, we’re also good to call in the middle of the night when you think you hear some gigantic mouse sneaking around downstairs. No man will say no to a late-night trip to your place because (a) We care about you and want to make sure you’re OK and (b) The potential for sex is way too high to pass up.
1. When I've been to see a horror movie with a woman, it was usually her choice. (I still have to laugh when I think of the time Sarah and I arrived at a group movie-night with Independence Day and Before Sunrise - you could tell exactly how well the other people there knew us by how long it took them to figure out who had picked out which movie. The answer isn't what you think, if you don't know me.
2. Of course we care about you, but some of us also care about knowing you're a big girl and can set a mousetrap yourself.
7. Our old college T-shirts are the most comfortable pajamas in the universe
This brings to mind an ex of mine who almost had a nervous breakdown once because she forgot to bring her pajamas to my place for the weekend and had to settle for an old t-shirt of mine. It certainly wasn't too comfortable to her. (Anybody who knows me knows exactly which ex it was, too...)
8. We make you laugh your butt off
Sometimes, being an overgrown three-year-old has its benefits, like all the weird website links we forward you to break up your boring day at work.
I do like to think - just maybe - my jokes are a bit above the level of a three year old. Just maybe.
9. Whenever you’re upset about work, our response is always, “Your boss is an f-ing idiot.”
I can't think of a single woman I've ever dated who would be satisfied with that response, even in cases when it was true. If I had to guess, I'd say that response would probably bring accusations that I wasn't listening to her. And if I felt compelled to make such a generic comment, that would probably be true!
10. We nearly always make the first move
Asking someone out, leaning in for that first kiss—all instances that can result in ego-destroying rejection. But even the meekest of men are willing to take the risk when a beauty like you steps into our lives. So sit back and enjoy watching us tremble.
Without discussing things that shouldn't be discussed in public, I'll just say this isn't true in my own experience and leave it at that. But then again, I haven't dated very much lately. I will say I've had some ego-destroying experiences with asking people out (the most memorable one was a gal who said she was too busy to go to the movies...then said yes to another guy five minutes later while I was standing right there), but who hasn't?
Happy late Thanksgiving, everyone. Hope those of you who have partners and families had a nice time with them, and that those of you who are on your own didn't let the togetherness motif get you down. Just remember, life is not a Hallmark commercial. Fortunately, it isn't a list of inanities about the other sex either.
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